National Bitch Slap A Cancer Patient Day

You, too, can have that look of satisfaction!

I am officially declaring tomorrow, October 1, 2008, “National Bitch Slap A Cancer Patient Day”.

Why? Here's why!

Do you have a friend or family member who has cancer and talks nonstop about his condition, fraying your last nerve with tedious and boring details about which you just don't give a damn?

Do you have a friend or family member who has cancer and always brings up detailed discussions of the human anatomy, especially at meal time?

Do you have a friend or family member who has cancer and thinks his condition is the equivalent to a medical degree, so he is constantly issuing stern medical warnings to you?

Do you have a friend or family member who has cancer and loves to play the “cancer card” whenever it benefits him the most? “Oh, I can’t work in the yard today, I have cancer you know!”

Well, on behalf of every family member or friend of a sicko, I am happy to officially introduce tomorrow as NATIONAL BITCH SLAP A CANCER PATIENT DAY!

Here are the rules:

A. You can only bitch slap a cancer patient when provoked. The cancer patient must:
1. talk non-stop about his condition;
2. discuss human anatomy at mealtime;
3. talk like he thinks he’s a doctor; and
4. play the “cancer card”.

B. You can only bitch slap one cancer patient per hour - no more. Cancer patient bitch slapping referees will be monitoring your bitch slapping behavior, so please watch the clock.

C. You can bitch slap the same cancer patient more than once if they irritate you on multiple occasions.

D. You are allowed to hold a cancer patient down as other friends and family members take their turns bitch slapping the offender.

Cursing Caveat:
CURSING DURING BITCH SLAPPING IS MANDATORY! After you have bitch slapped the cancer patient, your assault must be followed by an obsenity-laced tirade like, "I'm sick of your fucking whining, you shit-barfing asshole!"

Penalties:
If a referee should find you in violation of any of the above stated rules, penalties will be swift and severe.
First infraction – You will apologize to the cancer patient for mistreatment. Second infraction – You will be restricted from further bitch slapping for the balance of the day.
Third infraction – All bitch slapping privileges will be withdrawn until October 1 of the following year and the violator will be forced to listen to complaints of not only the direct friend or family member, but of the friend and family member’s other sick friends or family members for a period of one month.

A comment about bitch slapping in public:
If questioned by an impartial observer, such as non-participating friends or family members, passersby, police, clergy members or neighborhood stalkers, you are allowed to lie your way out of trouble.

Study the rules, break out your list of irritating cancer patients that you want to bitch slap and get to bitch slapping.....and have a great tension-relieving day!


Reminder:
It’s all a joke, people! While I know cancer patients can be huge pains in the ass (I am one), please take care of them. Don’t bitch slap them around! Treat them with care!

And now, a word from my attorneys:
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