Slam dunk your prostate

Researchers from four universities in England studied more than 9,000 men with and without prostate cancer and found that a man's risk for developing prostate cancer appears to increase with his height. The report was published in the September issue of Cancer Epidemiology, Biomarkers & Prevention. So put down that Playboy Magazine, crack open that new edition of the CEB&P that's waiting for you on the nightstand, and expand your horizons!

I myself am a prostate cancer patient who is 6-feet, 6-inches tall, so I conducted some thorough painstaking research on what my fellow head-bumping, not-off-the-rack clothes-wearing, "how's-the-weather-up-there?" inane question-answering tall guys around the world can do in response to this nasty report.

Here are my recommendations:

1. Tell those shrimpy British researchers to mind their own bloody business… and to get their teeth fixed. This seems like a reasonable reaction. When is the last time Britain even produce a tall guy? It's rainy and bleak in Britain, so people just don't grow. And, they have bad teeth.

2. Lie on the questionnaire. If the researchers are not able to find out about the correlation between your height and your prostate, then they can't report the bad news. When it comes time to be measured, you gotta slouch, squat, bend, or do whatever you have to do take keep yourself as short as possible.

3. Have your legs shortened. Hey, if height equals prostate cancer, then short equals prostate health. "Take a little off between the ankle and the knee, doc." 'Nuff said!

4. Read the news, get angry and kick a little guy's ass. Just beat the crap out of some short guy until his prostate aches. Sure, it does nothing to improve the health of your own prostate gland, but at least it shares the misery. And, you'll feel a lot better.

So, there you have it, all you tall guys who read the bad news about your prostate. You may have thought the entire situation was out of your control, but no! There is plenty you can do.

And, as for that collective grunt and moan you just heard, that was the NBA getting their first digital rectal exam.