My Prostate's in a Mason Jar by the Door

Check out the monologue blog site

2008-11-11T09:52:00.000-08:00

Please direct your attention to my monologue blog site: http://monologuewriter.blogspot.com/.

It is with the monologue site that I have been spending most of my time. My plan is to expand that site to include much of the material you find here.

I am a monologue writer at heart and have been very successful writing good comedy based on the day's news. Check it out.

I'll see you over at http://monologuewriter.blogspot.com/.

Halloween Horror

2008-10-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

Not for the squeamish...
Not for the faint of heart...
But, only for those brave enough to withstand the ultimate pain!

Today's Investment Advice

2008-10-30T08:45:00.000-07:00

With today's investment market so full of turmoil and uncertainty, here is some advice on actions you can take now that will help to secure your future...

Bank Commercial - Click here for more free videos

"The Wonder-ful Years"

2008-10-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

Here, "The Wonder Years" reminds us that we have to value the things we love and tell the people we love how we feel. Get a tissue!

Feeling better when I am down

2008-10-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

I have prostate cancer that has spread beyond my prostate gland. In the last few years, I have gotten terribly ill with experimental chemotherapy and endured 2 years of hormone therapy. This stuff can get you down. So, whenever I am feeling kind of lousy, I search out this news story and video about the autistic high school kid who had a great night on the basketball court.

I always feel better:

The magic of chain mail

2008-10-22T17:37:00.001-07:00

Tell your chain mailing friends that they've driven you crazy!

The biggest fraud in Congress: Barney Frank

2008-10-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

Will somebody please tell Barney Frank to shut the hell up? The Democrats have given this phony so much power that his ignorance is really beginning to show through. At a time when the stock market is tanking, banks are being taken over by the federal regulator and businesses are going under, this giant bag of gas says, "There are a lot of very rich people whom we can tax," further destroying consumer confidence.

Please Barney, stop the yammering! You are doing a lot of harm.

The laughter of a child

2008-10-22T09:28:00.001-07:00

The laughter of a child is a magical thing. It is like music to the ears of a parent or grandparent. When they are young, they will giggle at the slightest hint of a funny joke or action. But, as kids grow older, the challenge of providing that hilarious moment becomes greater.

I have found that if I take my grandkids for a little car ride, they will giggle and scream and have an unforgettable experience. Here is one such ride.

What is going on here?

2008-10-20T22:04:00.001-07:00

Can winning the Men's Quadruple Sculls really be that exciting?

Examine the photo

2008-10-17T15:02:00.000-07:00

What is this sports fan saying?

Here are a few ideas:

a. "I am sure the Zamboni will just mix it in with all the rest."

b. "Oh, look how it turns into a fine mist as it travels from the third tier down onto the people in the box seats."

c. “MORE BEER HERE!”

d. "Just a minute officer; I’ve already got 'Giants' spelled out, but I still need to add 'suck'!"

e. "OK, one last really big push and I think I can hit home plate."

f. "Someone messed with the Braille on the door; I think it said this was the men’s room."

g. "You know, Mr. Security Guard, you have beautiful eyes!"

h. “He…could…go…all…the…way!”

i. “A bladder infection. No sir, I don’t have a bladder infection. Why do you ask?”

j. "Oh, I’m sorry. For a minute there I thought I was standing at my dorm room window."

k. "Officer, I am scared. There is a little black box where my penis is supposed to be."

l. “And, it is official, the new stadium has been christened.”

Do you have any suggestions as to what this sports fan might be saying?

Quote of the Day - The Difference

2008-10-16T22:11:00.000-07:00

"What is the difference between a Republican and a Democrat? A Democrat blows; a Republican sucks."

----- Lewis Black

Presidential Campaign 2008

2008-10-15T21:31:00.001-07:00

It's over!

"Eat the foamy snow"

2008-10-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

As long as we are posting funny videos that we've come across, here is one from Miller Lite that debunks an age-old truism:

One has to wonder what they'll do about, "Don't swim in the lumpy water."

Honey, look what just popped up!

2008-10-14T14:22:00.000-07:00

OK, all you urology patients. Come on; you gotta just laugh!

Yippee! I'm gonna be rich!!

2008-10-14T13:44:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody, congratulate me. I am about to become very, very rich. These are the kinds of breaks that come your way when you’ve lived a good clean life like the one I have been living.

“What has happened?” you might ask. “What is the lucky break that is going to make me wealthy?”

Well, completely out of the blue this morning, I learned that I had a long-lost relative who past away, but who left a sizeable amount in a bank account and named me the only heir.

I can’t believe it; I am living a dream. I know it is the truth because it is a Nigerian barrister named Zain Johnson who sent me the letter, and attorneys don’t lie! Mr. Johnson says I have $12.5 million coming to me as a result of the death of Mike Perisho, a relative who had a bad heart after seeing his family members die in the big tsunami of 2004. According to Zain, Mike died in early 2005.

Man, I have it made, now!! I am going to do all the things I have wanted to do, but could never afford. Like see the World's Largest Stump in Kokomo, Indiana (how big is a guy's leg to have it leave the world's largest stump?).

Maybe you have a relative who died after the big tsunami, too. Just email Zain Johnson and find out. Here is his email address:

barristerzainjohnson2@googlemail.com.

At all looks pretty darned legitimate to me. Everybody send Zane a note and tell him to look into your family background. Let’s bury Zain in business, what do you say? He tracked me down to share the good news with me so let’s clobber the man with potential business.

But, "shhhhhh"; don't tell Zain that I suggested you contact him. He asked me to keep my good fortune quiet, so the criminal element wouldn't get involved.

Good luck! Maybe I’ll be seeing you Nigeria as we pick up our money!

"Mmmmm, bacon!"

2008-10-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

As a guy who recently had his cancerous prostate removed from his body, I have asked myself if there is something I personally had done during my life that caused this disease to occur. After carefully studying my daily lifestyle of the last 50+ years, I have graphed the scientific results:

Happy Columbus Day

2008-10-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

Today is the national observation of Columbus Day, a celebration of the day in 1492 that Christopher Columbus and his shipmates discovered the New World. Courts, post offices and some schools will not be open today.

Hey Kids, It's "National School Lunch Week"

2008-10-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

National School Lunch Week
Monday, October 13 is the first day of “National School Lunch Week”.
... To break it down a little more specifically, there will be;
Hurl ‘til you Hurt Monday
Ptomaine Ptuesday
Vent, Vomit and Void Vednesday
Throw-up Thursday, and finally
Gush and Flush Friday
…Next week will be “Oh, I Love You Mom and I Love Your PB&J Sandwiches Week”

See all of today's monologue jokes prepared by long-time Monologue Writer Jerry Perisho at his new blog: Monologue Writer Jerry Perisho.

Sarah Palin's PDA

2008-10-11T19:36:00.000-07:00

With Alaska Governor Sarah Palin suddenly bursting on the scene as John McCain's Republican Vice Presidential running mate, she's been forced to quickly come up to speed on many aspects of modern life in the United States. A new video game enthusiast, she has fallen in love with Pong. She keeps pumping quarters into the machine and she says that she'll soon advance to the second level. She has learned to use the bank's ATM, but it takes her a little longer than you or me because she keeps talking to "that poor person shoving the money through the slot".

Gov. Palin's handlers recently gave her a Blackberry of her very own and showed her how to use the "To Do" functions. We snuck a peek at her Blackberry. Here is what we saw:

God help us all!

A little E.D. ED-ucation

2008-10-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

Nearly every man who has prostate surgery considers use of Cialis or Viagra. Here is the ad that will finally convince all those who are still uncertain.

Keep it up, fellas!

November madness

2008-10-10T09:04:00.000-07:00

Moby's Dick

2008-10-10T08:31:00.000-07:00

Sigurdur Hjartarson, founder and owner of the Icelandic Phallological Museum with his 154 pound whale penis.

When those standard visits to the Museum of Modern Art begin to wear on you and you long to see something manly, something truly memorable, consider a trip to Husavik, Iceland. There, you can visit the Icelandic Phallological Museum and exam penises from nearly every species of animal that lives on Iceland. The one exception is the human being, but an elderly Icelandic man who is known throughout the country as a prolific lover has vowed to donate his love muscle for posterity upon his death.

When I spoke with Sigurdur Hjartarson, the museum’s founder, I first explained to him that someone had stolen the vowel between the “H” and the “j” in his last name. He chuckled and, because in Iceland they pronounce the letter "J" like it's a "Y", he continued to call me "Yerry", which just irritated the crap out of me. Because like, "Hey, if you're going to live in this world, you better learn to speak American"; that's what I always say!

Then, I got to the point of my communication with him. I asked Sig how he came to name his establishment the Phallological Museum. He said that he considered, but then discarded, other naming options.

These others included:
The Cold Cock Collection
The Dingus Display
The Giggle Stick Gallery

The Home of Pink Floyd
The "In-In-In-Oh-God-Yes-Don’t-Stop-In-In-In" Institution
The Rumpleforeskin Repository
The Schvontz Salon

Each of these great names started as the simple seed of an idea. As they thrust deeper and deeper into Sig’s thought processes, they grew, until they finally expanded to nearly twice their normal size. The considerations became more passionate and he lost all sense of time and decency. Ultimately, the heated internal debate ended when “The Phallological Museum” exploded on to the scene and splashed across the pages on which the names were written. The museum director screamed with unbridled delight. Moments later, an exhausted, yet fulfilled, Sig slumped in his chair and had a cigarette.

Be sure to wash your hands when you leave the museum!

When Hallmark doesn't get it right

2008-10-09T22:19:00.000-07:00

When I was recovering from prostate cancer surgery and then 18 weeks of chemotherapy, I remember how cards from my family and friends made me feel warm and loved.

Here is one I received from my kids:

Thanks boys; you made me cry!

Looks like an eye infection to me

2008-10-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

What will the next great fashion statement be? We’ve watched as beautiful young women have pierced their tender body parts (lips, bellybuttons, even tongues) and then witnessed Janet Jackson’s contrived Super Bowl half-time wardrobe malfunction reveal her pierced right nipple. We’ll have to assume that the left nipple was equally pierced and weighted or the poor girl would have been thrown off balance and as she hurridly left the stage that day. She would have veered to the right, fallen off the risers, and broken her pierced, tattooed and surgically-altered body. Don't worry; she was OK.

While I may have watched that YouTube clip about 500 times, strictly for journalistic purposes, it still makes my eyes water every time I see it. Why would she jam a fork tine through her nipple? (At this point, the author physically shuttered.)

And, speaking of making your eyes water, fashionistas have found a surprising new body part to attack in an apparent effort to make a fast buck before they are tarred-and-feathered and escorted out of town.

At some meeting of jewelry designers in New York or London or Milan or the Amsterdam Home of Pain and Infection, a Dutch jewelry designer has decided that the eyes of beautiful young women are the next organ that should be assaulted.

And so, this genius brings us… Eye Jewelry!

That’s right, it is a contact lens with some dangly shit hanging off of it on a fishing line. Here is the video on this crap. Have a tissue ready!

Yank... Plink... "OUCH! Hey, does anybody have the number for an eye doctor?"

Healthcare; schmealthcare!

2008-10-09T07:54:00.000-07:00

What's all this hubbub about the current state of our nation's healthcare system. The great crew at "Scrubs" shows us that everything is going to be OK.

Jerry's Goofy-ass Book Club

2008-10-08T16:03:00.000-07:00

Hey, Oprah’s got her book club. Why can’t Jerry have his??

Today, we announce “Jerry’s Goofy-ass Book Club”. It seems especially appropriate since Jerry has written a goofy-ass book himself.

We are pleased to introduce the first in what will be a long series of books that we are recommending our millions of fans read. Watch for this distinctive logo in your favorite book store or second-hand shop, which indicates the publications that meet our very high standards.

Oprah always says that the books in her book club touched her deeply. Many of them made her cry and all of them made her think. Well, this is a book that just barely held our attention. It made us think, "Hey, I need to go get really drunk and then throw up on the front lawn; where is my gun?" Just like all of the great literary classics, “Robinson Crusoe”, “Little Women”, and “Tropic of Cancer”, this author started his book with a blank piece of paper and an idea. Those other books were easy to write; they had good stories. This one was a lot more work.

He didn’t let the work stop him. Just like Pulitzer Prize winning authors Herman Wouk, Ernest Hemingway, and Fred Bitzfeldt (actually Bitzfeldt never won a Pulitzer, but as an organ enthusiast he used to play a Wurlitzer), this author strived to dot all of his i’s and cross all of his t’s and to make sure the punctuation was correct.

The book is so pertinent in today’s difficult financial times. One has to ask himself, has the Wall Street Journal made me any money this year? How about Fortune magazine? No? Well, this book will show you how to make more than just a quick buck, and all you have to do is be willing to slip a lizard or 2 down your pants and walk across the international border. It's easy; you don't have to keester a thing; your body cavities will remain completely clear! And, you can find yourself a life-long career.

It is “The Complete Book of International Smuggling”.

Here is what the book seller says about this book:
“Designer jeans, parrots, bibles, weapons, drugs, watches. Each of these commonly smuggled items is highly desirable to smugglers and buyers alike. Smuggling smacks of adventure and adrenaline rushes. It also means easy money for the savvy tourist and a padded wallet for the international businessmen.”

“A defense investigator, M.C. Finn has seen smuggling through the eyes of the agents and the pirates. He's studied the casual traveler who makes his house payments selling fake goods to eager buyers. Now he tells their secrets.”

“Learn which goods sell well in which countries, how to avoid trouble whether buying or selling, what customs agents look for, surveillance equipment used by the law and effective counter-surveillance measures, how drugs are smuggled (usually unwisely), hard-to-obtain radio frequencies, the profile of a smuggler, and much more.”

And, it comes to you for only $17.50, plus a generous shipping and handling fee, we're sure. Get your copy today and we’ll have a few more smuggled in for your family and friends at Christmas.

Here at Jerry's Goofy-ass Book Club, we like to put the "fun" back into dysFUNctional!

Don't talk "down" to grandpa and grandma

2008-10-08T09:29:00.000-07:00

A long term study of 660 people over the age of 50 in an Ohio town has revealed the negative effects of something called “elderspeak”. You know; you’ve heard it. Maybe you've even said it. It is the way people behave around the elderly. If these people bother to speak to the elderly at all, they call them “dearie” or “sweetie” and they speak in really loud voices like the old person is mostly deaf.

Well, the study has shown that interactions like these are detrimental to the older person’s health. It makes them feel bad and die sooner, you bunch of numbnuts! In a New York Times article on the subject, a 68-year-old police psychologist from Northern California, Ellen Kirschman, says her method of informing these young whippersnappers that they’re out of line is to pepper her comments to them with profanities. "That makes them think, This is someone to be reckoned with," she said.

It is with this profound thought in mind that the Perisho Institute for the Siring and Study of Outrageous Feedback for Fogeys, known throughout the world as PISSOFF, publishes the following list of profanity-free, yet quite pointed, comments that you can share the next time some wet-behind-the-ears young jerkwad tries to make you field old. PISSOFF thanks Ms. Kirschman for her spunk and invites her to join the PISSOFF Board of Directors.

The first time someone starts to dick around with you:
"There are people in the world you can dick around with. I am not him!"
"Out of all the people I can’t stand, you’re 10 of them."
"Stuff a sock in it, you cow."
"How about a lot less talk and a lot more SHUT THE HELL UP?"

The second time they abuse you, you can pick up the pace:
"Is that your nose or did your momma park her double-wide on your face?"
"Do us all a favor; do a triple summersault and disappear up your own asshole."
"I’ve worn pants with a higher IQ than you."
"I’ve got a gift for you. Here’s a hint; it’s in my diaper and it’s not a toaster."
"Where’d you get those clothes? The toilet store?"

Finally, to really drive the point home:
"Go home and get your freaking shine box."
"You are nothing more than the result of a drunken back seat grope-fest and a broken condom."
"Why don’t you go back to scrubbing vomit off your holiday dress, you Christmas drunk?"
"Shouldn’t you be home beating off to Masters of the Universe reruns?"
"Why don’t you go back to your room at the Motel 6 and suck the wet out of the mattress pad?"
"You are so ugly they hired you at the zoo to keep the monkeys from masturbating."
"If you were an ice cream flavor, you’d be pralines and dick."

Remember, the Perisho Institute for the Siring and Study of Outrageous Feedback for Fogeys (PISSOFF) is here to serve the needs of the over 50 crowd. Send your donations to:

PISSOFF

New York, NY 10087

PISSOFF is not a 501-c-3 organization and all donations, none of which are tax deductible, will go directly into the pockets of a Perisho family member. If erections last for 4 hours, see a physician. Guaranteed not to break, splinter or peel when taken internally. Past performance is not a guarantee of future earnings. Member FDIC. We reserve the right to refuse service. No shirt, no shoes, no problem.

Late night shtick: The OJ Simpson conviction

2008-10-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

NFL Hall of Famer and former college football great OJ Simpson has been convicted in Las Vegas of 12 counts, including armed robbery and kidnapping.

Pick your punch line:

OJ Simpson’s attorney Yale Galanter’s offices are in Florida.
Galanter admits he was uncomfortable in the Nevada courtroom. He does not work well without the wafting scents of Dentu-grip, clothes just pulled out of moth balls, and gnarly feet in Birckenstocks.

Prosecution witnesses in the OJ Simpson trial in Las Vegas each had very sordid pasts.
They were so slimy, at the end of each day the bailiff had to burn the witness stand.

The list of prosecution witnesses included pimps, crooks and thugs.
They were the most blood-thirsty group of bottom-feeders in the courtroom, second only to OJ's defense attorneys.

The courtroom was filled with pimps, crooks and thugs.
…but enough about the attorneys.

Between the audio recording of the break-in and the testimony of the witnesses, Court TV’s broadcast was filled with four-letter obscenities.
What’s the obscenity Court TV feared hearing the most? “You’re cancelled!”

The prosecution played videotaped evidence of OJ and his friends entering the hotel lobby just prior to the crime being committed.
a. These were very poor quality recordings. The last time I saw video that scratchy I heard Paris Hilton answer her cell phone.
b. The quality of this video makes the “Blair Witch Project” look like an Academy Award winner for cinematography.

Judge Jackie Glass ran a very tight ship during the OJ Simpson trial in Vegas.
At one point, an attorney’s cell phone rang and she forced him to walk the plank at the at Treasure Island pirate’s show.

The jury reached their verdict in the case after deliberating for just 13 hours.
a. The defense team was disappointed. They hardly had time to shed their skins.
b. The jury finished their work so quickly that it is hard to envision them back at their jobs with the DMV.

Jurors said that Simpson’s 1995 murder case had nothing to do with their decision. In that trial, Simpson was accused of killing 2 people.
…Or, as they say in Vegas, “he doubled down”.

Jurors in the OJ Simpson trial had to confront a variety of very difficult questions.
Should I believe the testimony of the witnesses? Did OJ know about guns being brought into the hotel room? How do I find a publisher for the book I am almost finished writing?

OJ is being held in isolation in the Las Vegas jail “for his own safety”. Simpson’s attorney says isolation is difficult for OJ because he likes to interact with people.
…and then kill them.

Sentencing for OJ Simpson and his convicted co-conspirator CJ Stewart is set for Dec. 5.
Defense attorneys plan to use a little known Las Vegas plea called the “double or nothing” appeal.

OJ will be sentenced on December 5.
It is all part of his grand scheme to find his wife’s “real killer”. What better place to look for a murderer than in prison?

Biden: A face that belongs on Mt. Rushmore

2008-10-06T17:52:00.000-07:00

And we haven't even mentioned his hair plugs... yet!

Inside Sarah Palin's brain

2008-10-06T16:25:00.001-07:00

Sorry folks, but there's just not a lot going on in there.

Explain the photo

2008-10-04T15:55:00.001-07:00

What is going through their minds?

Here are some ideas on what they might be thinking at this moment -

Dude: “I just love my new Sarah Palin frames. She rocks!”
Cat: “He killed me and had me stuffed 6 months ago.”

Dude: “Do I smell mouse on your breath again? Or, is that me?”
Cat: “You’re…squeezing…my…windpipe!”

Dude: “Grandma’s just gonna love this family photo. I wish the porcupine and the sloth could have been here, but I had them killed.”
Cat: “I hate her; she’s the one who won’t let me sleep on her face and had me neutered.”

Dude: “Just one more day and grease will actually start dripping off my hair. I’m gonna use it as an alternative fuel.”
Cat: “I’m going to claw your eyes out tonight in your sleep and bat them around like chew toys.”

Dude: “Nice kitty, kitty. Good kitty, kitty. M-mmmmm.”
Cat: “Oh my God; you have an erection!”

Dude: "I think the Congressional bailout bill will solve today's financial crisis."
Cat: "I just got through taking a crap on your Star Wars comic book collection."

Dude: "Mmm, I smell bacon!"
Cat: "You are proof that man never really evolved."

Dude: "I am going to de-worm you with barbecue tongs."
Cat: "Is that a piercing on your lip or is it part of the GPS device installed by the Perv Police?"

Submit your own ideas on what might be going through their minds besides daylight ---

In the news: call the gas passer

2008-10-03T13:30:00.001-07:00

We interrupt our late night film, “Sarah Palin Shoots a Moose” for this breaking news report…

“This just in… a company called Garment Guard has invented a new device consisting of two activated-carbon adhesive strips that are designed to be placed in your underwear where they will absorb the noxious odors when you fart. The product is called Subtle Butt.”

Here is the promotional video for the product:

OK, pick your favorite punch line:

1. “It is the perfect gift for your Wall Street broker just before he jumps.”
2. “I plan to carry them with me on my next plane flight and give them to the fat guys sitting on either side on me.”
3. “Alright! Polish up the Noble Peace Prize!”
4. “Excuse me, but do you have ‘Super Activated Carbon’ strips? Mine is not your average intestinal tract.”

5. "This is the reason the rest of the world hates us."

Now, back to your regularly scheduled program, “HSN Features the OJ Knife Collection”, already in progress.

Quote of the day: A paradox

2008-10-03T08:35:00.001-07:00

Comedian Emo Phillips on law enforcement -

“The highway cop said, ‘Walk a straight line.’ I said, ‘Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves.’

He said, ‘You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?’ I thought, ‘Ooooh, a paradox!’”

Grab your balls before they're battered

2008-10-02T17:22:00.001-07:00

Anyone who has done prostate cancer, like me, has entered the world of urology in a way he could have never imagined. He learns how urological tubes and devices travel through and around glands and organs and how it will all be irreparably screwed up once he has his prostate jerked out by a surgeon.

Well, that experience introduces the male patient to a new world of sensitivity to all urological matters. So, when he sees something like the following, tears well up in his eyes. Oh, he’s not crying; no, they’re tears of sympathetic protection of his previously untouched urological parts. The book that makes nearly every man double over in anticipatory discomfort, “The Testicle Cookbook”:

Here, Serbian chef Ljubomir Erovic has written and published what he claims is the world’s first cookbook focusing on the preparation of male animal sex glands. Perisho note: There are bound to be more of these gems because the world cannot have too many books showing you how to sauté male gonads. Personally, the only time there are any balls in my kitchen is when my wife is out of town!

The book shows Chef Erovic preparing some of his favorite meals, like testicle pizza and battered testicles. Perisho note: “Battered testicles”? Is this guy nuts? If there is one thing in the world you do not want to batter and/or bruise, they’re testicles! No chef, I don’t care if they come from a field mouse and they are destined for consumption by hordes of hungry heathens, please do not batter them!

Probably without the least bit of prompting, because anyone interviewing this guy would be disgusted by the entire topic, Erovic volunteers, "The tastiest testicles in my opinion probably come from bulls, stallions or ostriches, although other people have their own favorites." Perisho note: This sick bastard is eating the testicles from ostriches. I can see it all now; while they have their poor tiny heads buried in the sand, he comes up behind the ostrich and “tug, snip, yank”, the eunuch-ized poor devil is left to find his place in the world as not only the world’s ugliest bird, but a sexless one at that. I wonder if this cretin has tried kangaroo or grey whale or bald eagle testicles.

Erovic, 45, says he is self-taught in the art of testicle cuisine, but his 20 years of "cooking with balls" make him a world authority in the field. Perisho note: Somewhere, there is probably a world authority on turning gnu dung into earrings too, but no one will be challenging that clown, either.

Perisho note: Apparently Erovic’s last book, “How To Field Dress and Roast Kittens” didn’t sell well in any market, except in certain parts of Asia.

Erovic also organizes the World Testicle Cooking Championship, held annually in Serbia since 2004. Perisho note: And just think about it girls. What attractive young female wouldn’t want to participate in the swimsuit competition and ultimately be named Miss Testicle Queen - 2008?

When not cooking the most sensitive part of a male’s being, Erovic runs a company involved in the maintenance of medical and dental equipment. Perisho note: So, he’s in the medical and dental business, huh? Even when he isn’t frying your balls, he’s still got you by them.

Final Perisho note: I personally want to thank Chef Erovic for his new book. By comparison, my book “I Barf, Therefore I Am”, doesn’t sound nearly so bad!

I've gone to hell

2008-10-02T08:57:00.001-07:00

It's hell on earth!

Comedian Jim Carrey has an interesting take on what “Hell” might be like. Carrey says, “Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.”

That got me to thinking, what is “hell on earth”?

Here are some ideas:
Hell is getting kicked in the balls on the basketball court with 500 people in the stands watching.

Hell is having to sit on a plane next to the really fat guy who is exhaling his partially-chewed dinner in your face.

Hell is having to watch OJ Simpson get away with it, AGAIN.

Hell is having to watch Paris Hilton do anything… well, almost anything.

Hell is having to hear high-volume ringtones of singers telling Argentina not to cry for them.

Hell is having to wake up in the hospital with the guy in the bed next to you telling about his penile implant surgery.

Hell is President Hillary Clinton.

Hell is President Sarah Palin.

Hell is President George W. Bush.

Hell is having to sit through fifth grade sex education class being taught by the hottest teacher a boy’s hormones could ever envision naked.

Hell is having to wipe your mouth on a restaurant napkin that is already caked with dried pasta sauce.

Give me some of your ideas of hell on earth.

In the news: the surgeon says "oops"

2008-10-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

We interrupt the Congressional hearings on whether to span the gap between Sarah Palin's ears with this late breaking report from the news room…

“A 61-year-old Tennessee man is suing doctors who amputated his penis without his consent.”

Alright, you pick the punch line…

1. His attorney says the amputation may be against the law; a violation of the penile code.
2. He is really angry. Now he can’t count to eleven without taking off his shoes.
3. Do you know what Southerners call a man with no genitals? “Yankee!”
4. When he’s got whiskey in one hand and a corncob pipe in the other, now how’s he gonna drive the tractor?

Now, we’ll send you back to our regularly scheduled program, “The 1987 Tennessee State Cow Pie Throwing Championships,” already in progress…

In the news: girls gone wild

2008-10-01T15:20:00.000-07:00

We interrupt the latest blather from our presidential candidates for this breaking news report…

“This just in; an 18-year-old Stuart, Florida man told police Tuesday that he was stopped and robbed by four topless blond women while on his way to work.”

Pick your favorite punch line:

1. “The man says he wants his watch and his wallet back, but the girls can keep his virginity.”
2. “Four topless blond women in Florida? He saw them make their escape on their motorized wheelchairs and roll back in to the retirement home.”
3. “He called the cops to complain? That had to be 9 of the biggest boobs in all of Florida.”
4. “When the cops asked if the women carried weapons, he said, “Four pairs of 45’s!”

Now, back to your regularly scheduled program, “The Girls Next Door Go To Florida”, already in progress.

September Madness

2008-10-01T07:51:00.000-07:00

click on chart to see the teams

Picture sportscaster Keith Jackson reporting from the press booth high atop Wall Street:

“Good afternoon, sports fans, and welcome to September madness. We’ve got some stiff competition this financial ‘weeding-out’ season as the light-weight risk takers fall by the wayside and the strong, well capitalized organizations gobble them up.

This season, we are happy to include teams from across the pond, as some of the big European banks start to topple. The Asians haven’t been brought into the fray this time, but you can bet they will be included in the next round of flushing out of the weak.

Of course, the ultimate loser this season, as he is in every season, is the US taxpayer. With Congress ignoring the fact that fat cats got very, very rich while writing bad mortgage loans, it is the taxpayer who will be throttled with the huge bail out tax bill; some estimating that it could total $700 billion. That’s a lot of peanuts and beer, huh sports fans? Whoa, Nelly!

This single elimination tournament may not be over until 2009, but we’ll be there to bring you all the action. Hang on to your hats, sports fans, and your wallets! It is going to be a long and tumultuous tournament.”

National Bitch Slap A Cancer Patient Day

2008-09-30T10:25:00.001-07:00

You, too, can have that look of satisfaction!

I am officially declaring tomorrow, October 1, 2008, “National Bitch Slap A Cancer Patient Day”.

Why? Here's why!

Do you have a friend or family member who has cancer and talks nonstop about his condition, fraying your last nerve with tedious and boring details about which you just don't give a damn?

Do you have a friend or family member who has cancer and always brings up detailed discussions of the human anatomy, especially at meal time?

Do you have a friend or family member who has cancer and thinks his condition is the equivalent to a medical degree, so he is constantly issuing stern medical warnings to you?

Do you have a friend or family member who has cancer and loves to play the “cancer card” whenever it benefits him the most? “Oh, I can’t work in the yard today, I have cancer you know!”

Well, on behalf of every family member or friend of a sicko, I am happy to officially introduce tomorrow as NATIONAL BITCH SLAP A CANCER PATIENT DAY!

Here are the rules:

A. You can only bitch slap a cancer patient when provoked. The cancer patient must:
1. talk non-stop about his condition;
2. discuss human anatomy at mealtime;
3. talk like he thinks he’s a doctor; and
4. play the “cancer card”.

B. You can only bitch slap one cancer patient per hour - no more. Cancer patient bitch slapping referees will be monitoring your bitch slapping behavior, so please watch the clock.

C. You can bitch slap the same cancer patient more than once if they irritate you on multiple occasions.

D. You are allowed to hold a cancer patient down as other friends and family members take their turns bitch slapping the offender.

Cursing Caveat:
CURSING DURING BITCH SLAPPING IS MANDATORY! After you have bitch slapped the cancer patient, your assault must be followed by an obsenity-laced tirade like, "I'm sick of your fucking whining, you shit-barfing asshole!"

Penalties:
If a referee should find you in violation of any of the above stated rules, penalties will be swift and severe.
First infraction – You will apologize to the cancer patient for mistreatment. Second infraction – You will be restricted from further bitch slapping for the balance of the day.
Third infraction – All bitch slapping privileges will be withdrawn until October 1 of the following year and the violator will be forced to listen to complaints of not only the direct friend or family member, but of the friend and family member’s other sick friends or family members for a period of one month.

A comment about bitch slapping in public:
If questioned by an impartial observer, such as non-participating friends or family members, passersby, police, clergy members or neighborhood stalkers, you are allowed to lie your way out of trouble.

Study the rules, break out your list of irritating cancer patients that you want to bitch slap and get to bitch slapping.....and have a great tension-relieving day!

Reminder:
It’s all a joke, people! While I know cancer patients can be huge pains in the ass (I am one), please take care of them. Don’t bitch slap them around! Treat them with care!

And now, a word from my attorneys:
Certain of the statements made in this presentation are forward-looking and are based upon information to Jerry Perisho on the date hereof. Jerry Perisho may also from time to time make oral backward-looking statements. In connection with the “safe harbor” provisions of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995, Jerry Perisho is hereby identifying important factors that could cause actual results to differ materially from those contained in any forward-looking statement made by or on behalf of the Comedy Writer.

Employees of Jerry Perisho Incorporated, including but not limited to the North American, South American, European and Zimbabwean Divisions may have served as consultants, advisors, soothsayers, fortune tellers and tea leaf readers to organizations reading this blog. We rely on information barriers, such as “Chinese Walls”, “Italian Drapes” and “Rich Corinthian Leather” to control the flow of information from one division of Jerry Perisho Incorporated to other divisions, thus keeping vital information safe from other areas, units, divisions, groups and/or affiliates of Jerry Perisho Inc.

All rights reserved. Not to be taken internally. Guaranteed not to break, splinter or peal when used according to Underwriters Laboratories (UL) written instructions. Some dizziness, craziness, lumbago, sciatica, St. Vitas Dance, heebie-jeebies, rash, swelling, shrinkage, flaking, itching, cracking and swelling may occur. If erections last for more than four hours, please consult your physician and brag about it.

PAUL NEWMAN

2008-09-29T19:37:00.000-07:00

Paul Newman (1925-2008)

in "Cool Hand Luke"

In the scene above from the classic film "Cool Hand Luke", Luke Jackson (Newman in the title role), who is in a Florida prison camp for cutting the heads off parking meters, has just learned his mother has died. This is the first time we see Cool Hand Luke cry, showing a bit of vulnerability.

He begins to pick the banjo and sings this song:

I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I got my plastic Jesus
Sitting on the dashboard of my car.

Comes in colors, pink and pleasant
Glows in the dark because it's iridescent
Take it with you when you travel far.

Get yourself a sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestone, sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shells.

Going ninety, I ain't scary
Because I got the Virgin Mary
Assuring me that I won't go to Hell.

Get yourself a sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestone, sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shells.

Going ninety, I ain't scary
Because I got the Virgin Mary
Assuring me that I won't go to Hell.

This 1967 film had a tremendous impact on me as a young man. It tells the story of the tireless human spirit in the face of adversity. At the same time, it is the story of rebellion against the establishment; a huge issue in the late 1960's. Both themes have been important in my life.

Paul Newman was nominated for an Academy Award as Best Actor, but it was George Kennedy who won the Best Supporting Actor trophy. This is a great film in which you will see up-and-coming superstars like Dennis Hopper, Wayne Rogers, Ralph Waite and more.

This film coined the phrase, "What we've got here is... failure to communicate."

Medical flame wars

2008-09-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

I got into a bit of a “flame war” with a woman (I assume it is a woman) whom I have named “Ms. Anonymous #1” over on one of my favorite blogs. The owner of the blog, a physician, wrote an excellent message about the mostly unsubstantiated benefits of “alternative treatments” and holistic medicine for the patient who has cancer. She discussed her worries as some patients elect to avoid traditional medical approaches in favor of unproven treatments. I supported her and a war erupted.

Some of you who are new to blogging might ask, “Jerry, what is a flame war?” To which I would reply, “Good question”, and would provide this answer: “A Flame War is a series of ‘Flaming Messages’ sent back and forth between different people on a message board that escalate higher and higher into ever increasing hostility.” That’s the definition I found online.

Now, back to the flame war…
Communicating on the physician’s blog, my initial comment talked about a friend who tried to sell me an expensive concoction to cure my prostate cancer; I called it “her Central American miracle antioxidant wonderjuice”, juice from a fruit, “whose name she cannot even pronounce.” I added that the stuff is so expensive, “I'm guessing it would have arrived at the house under armed guard. Hey, it’s juice,” I said, “not the crown jewels!” And, I thanked the doctor for posting her message.

In a second comment more than a week later, I supported my earlier statements and included this message to strong believers in alternative medicine, “If your heart is set on alternative treatments, then drop me a line. I can grind up and boil dandelion roots, and then chant in tongues with the best of them.”

By the way, I always indentify myself and include a link to my websites when I blog.

Ms. Anonymous #1 followed me with this intelligent little gem:

"i can't believe some of you are so freaking narrow minded. you mean to tell me that you wouldn't recommend saw palmetto to a patient with BPH? or flax seed oil to a patient with high cholesterol? well i guess you wouldn't recommend vitamin C to a sailor with scurvy either. after all, vitamin C would be a natural "quackery" cure for what ails them."

Flames began to shoot out of my fingertips and on to my keyboard.

Now, you have to remember that the owner of a blog has the power to delete messages. So, anything that gets too heated can be hip-checked out of the way like the lead jammer in roller derby.

Here is, in part, my reply:
“I am not narrow minded Ms. Anonymous #1. I have cancer. A college graduate, a 30-year business executive, I researched every alternative and interviewed every kind of doctor I could find. Sure, I could rely on green tea (which I love and drink, by the way) and stewed tomatoes, but I can't bet my life on them.

I am looking death square in the eye and I am doing everything I can to beat the bastard. My cancer has spread and my statistical chances of survival are frighteningly low.

Narrow minded? This is cancer; it is not an enlarged prostate. Saw palmetto will not cure cancer, but some of the experimental drugs I have taken have a chance of doing me some good.

Meanwhile, you anonymous bloggers, take your scurvy-minded, cholesterol-lowering opinions over to alternativemedicines.com where they'll swoon over your every word.

Let those of us who are battling for our lives work with modern medicine. Doctors are saving lives!”

I trust that my flame-throwing anonymous blogger friend got wrapped up in chanting her mantra and ordering the latest natural, all-herbal colon cleansing concoction off the cable TV infomercials. We never heard from her again. Let’s hope her ear candling and blood-letting practices help to rejuvenate her brain cells.

'Nuff said

2008-09-27T09:57:00.000-07:00

Lights! Camera! Incomprehension!

2008-09-26T08:44:00.000-07:00

Something very disturbing happened earlier this week. In this case, it wasn't the meltdown of our financial security that bothered me, but rather the manner in which it was being reported.

The Associated Press says that Academy Award winning actor Michael Douglas, working on behalf of a United Nations effort to secure a nuclear test ban treaty, was asked his opinion about the financial turmoil on Wall Street. You’ll recall that in the 1987 film “Wall Street”, Douglas played the role of manic stock market guru Gordon Gekko, who coined the phrase “Greed is good”. One of the reporters asking the questions actually called Douglas “Gordon”.

Are we actually so out of touch with reality that we are confusing the real world with motion pictures? God help us all.

Now, let me take you to Beverly Hills, where an imaginary movie studio crew has blocked off a portion of Rodeo Dr. on a bright fall afternoon. Lighting is in place; sound equipment is working; cameras are rolling; actors are bitchy, and they are demanding more attention and more “Evian water with a twist of imported lime.”

Here, they are filming a scene from a new film titled “A Streetcar Named Delusion”. It tells the sad, disturbing story of what can happen when the boundaries separating reality and fantasy become irreversibly blurred.

Scene: Academy Award-nominated actor Harrison Ford is climbing out of his Mercedes on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. He wants to buy some Slim Fast snacks for his girlfriend Calista Flockhart, who has put on a few extra ounces in recent days.

(Up walks music industry whacko Britney Spears. Spears is chomping open-mouthed on 12 sticks of gum and wearing oversized sunglasses.)
Spears: “Heeey, doc, how you doin’? Dude, can you help me with sump’m?”

Ford: “Why… aren’t you Britney Spears? I didn’t recognize you with all your hair. That bald look was really hot! And, uuuuh, gained a few pounds, huh?” (Leaning through the car window, he whispers to Flockhart:) “You see what can happen; look at mega-thighs over here.”
(Back to Spears): “What can I do for you, Brit? Is it these paparazzi? GET AWAY, YOU FOOLS. LEAVE THE POOR GIRL ALONE! And, why did you call me ‘doc’?”

Spears (elbowing Ford in the ribs): “Hey, stop it. No, with my career in the crapper I need as many photographers around as possible. Get with it, doc. In about 10 minutes I am going to slowly climb into the driver’s seat of my car and give them a panty-less shot that will be splashed across every tabloid from here to... well, I don’t know where. Maybe all the way to Fresno. They love me in Fresno, you know. No, the reason I stopped you is my son Jayden. He’s got a runny nose.”

Ford: “OK, what did you want me to do? Hold him while you’re ‘cracking wise’ for every guy with a flash camera and a zipper-popping libido?”

Spears (indignant): “No, I want you to check him over. Give him an examination and prescribe some medicine or sump’m. You know, doctor kind of stuff.”

Ford: “I can’t do that.” (He leans through the window and tells Flockhart to stop eating the breath mints he stores in the console.) “They’re 2 calories apiece; you can’t afford that, my little ‘chubster’!”

Spears: “But, aren’t you Dr. Richard Kimble? I saw that movie where you were on the run from the one-armed man. You were totally innocent, you know. You’re a pedriat…, a prediatr… um, a kid doctor. Now, hold still Jayden, while the nice doctor listens to your lungs, or sump’m. Do you take food stamps or autographed “Oops, I Did It Again” CD’s, doc?”

Ford (leaning through the car window to Flockhart, who played an attorney on “Ali McBeal”): “Can you make arrangements for a restraining order to keep this crazy, underwear-phobic red-neck and her spawn of Federline away from me?”

(Ford quickly jumps in his car and flees.)

Spears turns to paparazzi and says: "Wow, he must have seen that one-armed man he's chasing. (She waves and shouts at departing Mercedes) "Good luck, doc! Say hello to your twin brother, Indiana Jones!" (Finally turning to summon the photographers, Britney cries out) "Fellas. HEY, FELLAS!"

As Ford and Flockhart speed away, Flockhart says, while shoving crumbs into her mouth that she has picked out of the car’s floor mats: “Of course I can’t get you a restraining order. I am not an attorney. I played one on TV, and even that I didn’t do very well. But, I know what I can do for you Harry, I can call you a cop. We'll file a report. Let me see if I can get that nice California Highway Patrolman, Officer Poncherello, on the line. Hand me the cell phone and a Snickers bar.”

Ford and Flockhart pull up to an intersection on Wilshire Blvd. where an overweight road crew worker has flagged traffic to a stop. Flockhart punches in “CHiPs” star Erik Estrada’s cell phone number. The road crew worker, hearing his phone ringing, sets down his red traffic-control flags and reaches in his pocket to answer it.

Estrada: “Yello, road maintenance!”

Seeing all red flags removed, Ford’s Mercedes and traffic from all directions proceed into the intersection. The collision is deafening.

End of scene --

The moral: If you begin to confuse reality and fantasy, civilization as we know it will come to an end. Especially if today's investigative reporters begin to rely on Michael Douglas for insight into our worldwide financial crisis.

Tasty hospital cafeteria treats

2008-09-25T09:25:00.001-07:00

When I had my prostate removed, I spent only about 24 hours in the hospital, and much of that time was spent sleeping off anesthesia. But, prior to leaving, I was offered food.

Based on my hospital food experience, I have done extensive research and have created a top ten list.

Top 10 Least Popular Foods in Hospital Cafeterias

No. 10 E-coli slaw
No. 9 Bacon fried on forehead of patient with spiking fever
No. 8 14-year-old Sees candy found in cupboard at 3rd floor nurse's station
No. 7 Warm buttermilk served in Erlenmeyer Flask
No. 6 Chipped beef on Prozac
No. 5 Anatomically correct gingerbread man
No. 4 Barium shake with protein boost
No. 3 Spleen jerky
No. 2 Velveeta

And, the Number 1 Least Popular Food in Hospital Cafeterias…

No. 1 Metamucil shots sucked out of belly button of Carl, the night custodian

It's just a little pressure - BUCKLE UP!

2008-09-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

I remember when I went in for my prostate biopsy; a procedure, by the way, that God intented never happen to a man. God put a man's prostate in such a hidden, secluded spot that you're not supposed to... oh never mind.

After inserting a device up my rear end that was about the size of a canned ham, the doctor said to me, "Now, you are going to feel a little pressure." No, what I felt was definitely not "a little pressure".

Here, comedian Brian Regan helps us all understand what the doctor means. Plus, we get the scoop on the importance of gaping cannonball wound ointment.

By the way, I do not know Brian Regan personally and he is not paying me to say this: Brian Regan is one of the funniest comedians out there. I have seen him perform live and his show is GREAT. If he is in your hometown and you get a chance to see him on stage, run to get tickets.

Merkle's Boner

2008-09-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

Today is the 100th anniversary of one of the greatest disputes in the history of baseball. It happened in the bottom of the ninth inning during the decisive game of the National League pennant race between the Chicago Cubs and the New York Giants. It was Sept. 23, 1908.

At the Polo Grounds in New York with the score tied 1-1, the Giants had 2 men on base. The batter hit a liner to center field, which scored the winning run. But, the Cubs claimed the runner who had been standing at first base, Fred Merkle, never touched second after the hit.

The Cubs tried to tag Merkle out, which would have ended the inning, but fans had streamed on to the field preventing the play. Days later the baseball commissioner called the game a tie and forced a playoff game, which the Giants lost.

Baseball fans call the entire incident a “boneheaded play” or “Merkle’s Boner”.

What did you think? Just because this is a blog that talks about prostates and men’s sexuality, did you think…? What? Get your mind out of the gutter!

More than just a germ of an idea

2008-09-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been to the grocery store or the car wash and seen a doctor or a nurse or some lower-level grunt taking care of business while wearing hospital scrubs; you know, those ill-fitting green or blue shirts and pants that are worn when they’re operating on some poor bastard?

I always thought it was some kind of a fashion statement. The buyer of that six-pack of Old Milwaukee was telling the world, “I am in medicine”, even if his job was simply to take down off the wall the container of used hypodermic needles to dispose of them in the ocean or bury them at a nearby park.

Are these people so busy in their lives that they don’t have time to dump the shapeless, colorless garb they’ve donned to protect themselves from the puke and poop their clientele present them with all day? Can’t they take 2 minutes to change out of those clothes to allow someone to incinerate them, or to at least toss them in a hamper? As an aside, how many of those hampered garments do you think get pulled out, refolded and placed right back on the “clean” stack?

There is a growing, festering, ulcerating controversy in the world of medicine about whether or not medical professionals should wear scrubs in public. In today’s New York Times, a story titled “Hospital Scrubs on the Subway?” questions whether drug resistant infections like MRSA may be spread in grocery stores, post offices and nursery schools because of this rather thoughtless trend and ill-conceived fashion statement.

Personally, I can think of few places that are already riddled with more killer germs than the handle of a grocery cart, the counter at my local post office and any drool-and-snot-collecting surface in a nursery school. Just exactly who is protecting whom from what? But, I digress!

In my never-ending search for the solutions to the world’s problems, I have found the answer to the controversy of doctors being so pressed for time they can’t change their clothes. The solution is presented by a company called Australian Wool Innovation. Their product is the Shower Suit.

The Shower Suit is a wool coat and pants that can be worn in the shower and washed with soap and warm water, just like the human body. It is designed to drip dry. The company has sold nearly 250,000 of them in Japan.

This amazing innovation just may put the scrubs manufacturers completely out of business. Your surgeon can wear his newly washed Shower Suit straight to the operating suite where he’ll remove your gall bladder in the comfort of his own clothes. Those bodily fluids you splashed up on his suit coat won’t be a problem as he smoothly moves from the operating room to the shower for a quick cleansing and then back out into the world, where he’ll buy stamps without worrying the next lady in line that he’s carrying the latest strain of Saint Vitus’ Dance.

(Cue the announcer who rapidly reads the following disclaimer):
“Jerry Perisho, Jerry Perisho’s heirs and those working for Jerry Perisho Incorporated have no vested financial interests in Australian Wool Innovation, Shower Suit, the post office, grocery stores, nursery schools, parks, beaches or St. Vitus’ Dance. If you have received this announcement in error, please disregard. If erections last for 4 hours, visit a physician with a really clean lab coat."

The Emmys - Pain worse than biopsy

2008-09-21T21:29:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, suspecting that I may have prostate cancer, I consented to let a physician do a biopsy of my prostate gland. The prostate lies in a very well-secluded area in the middle of a man's pelvic region where God wanted it protected from gloved fingers and from needles.

The doctor, to accomplish this terrible deed, inserts a device up your rectum and proceeds to fire off a series of needle attacks that pierce the rectal wall, enter the prostate, and remove small pieces of prostate tissue. It sucked. It hurt. I hated it.

But, I hated tonight's 60th Emmy Awards broadcast even more. It was worse than a prostate biopsy; that is saying a lot! What a hideous television presentation. It made a prostate biopsy "a lighthearted jaunt in the park" by comparison. The biopsy lasted only 20 or so minutes. The Emmy's show lasted a lifetime.

I tried to watch. But, I almost jabbed a cocktail fork in my eyes just so I would not have to see any more of it. My wife talked me down from the ledge.

Having Jeff Probst, Tom Bergeron, Heidi Klum, Ryan Secrest and Howie Mandel as the co-hosts was such a HUGE mistake. They were AWFUL!! Who made this decision. Maybe it was the same genius who created "Joanie Loves Chachi".

Secrest and Probst have absolutely no ability to entertain. Heidi Klum is hot, but was bored by the goofballs surrounding her. Mandel, well, I cannot stand him. I like Tom Bergeron, but they wouldn’t let him perform. Even ripping Heidi's clothes off was a mindless failure. Why did they have William Shatner come on stage for that piece of hysteria? Producers, here is a concept you may want to try next year; rehearsal!

If ever there was a night that you might see your television hang itself, throw itself out an upper-story window or swallow a bunch of percription pills, tonight was the night.

TV should be so horrified. Don't revive your set. Let it die with the little dignity it has left.

Seinfeldian Medicine; Perishoian Attitude

2008-09-21T18:40:00.000-07:00

Jerry Seinfeld has a comedy bit he made famous about waiting for doctors. All of us have been to the doctor’s office for an appointment at a set time and have been forced to wait.

Personally, I have walked out of my doctor’s office on occasions when I was her first appointment of the day and she still kept me waiting for more than 45 minutes. (This was a dermatologist, by the way, so she wasn’t delivering any babies, unless she happened to have seen a woman in labor while traveling to work on the bus, which is unlikely, since she drove to work in her new black Mercedes.)

Seinfeld says: “I hate the waiting room, so sometimes I start screwing around with stuff. Take all the tongue depressors out, lick them and put them back. Two can play at this waiting game.”

So, that started me thinking, what else can we do to occupy our time while waiting endlessly in the doctor’s examination room?

1. Practice yodeling.

2. Put on every examination gown in the room. Tell the doctor your nipples were harder than Chinese math.

3. Tie rubber gloves together and affix the ends to any two spots in the room, creating the world’s largest slingshot. Use one last rubber glove as a water balloon. Wait patiently for the doctor to enter.

4a. Every examination room has a phone. Punch random numbers until you get an outside line. Or better yet, just ask the girl up front to give you a line. Call anyone in the 205 area code. You’ll find friends you never met in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.
4b. While you’re using the phone, find the office intercom. Summon office staff for fake medical problems. “Dr. Latamore, paging Dr. Latamore to exam room number 4. Mr. Therkettle’s penile implant is ready!” Then, sing every chorus to “It’s A Small, Small World”.

5. As you are finally leaving the doctor’s office, announce to those still in the waiting room, “My naked ass was on your examination table!”

Once you are finally back at home, try not to stuff yourself with muffin tops. Not that there is anything wrong with that!

Slam dunk your prostate

2008-09-19T15:35:00.000-07:00

Researchers from four universities in England studied more than 9,000 men with and without prostate cancer and found that a man's risk for developing prostate cancer appears to increase with his height. The report was published in the September issue of Cancer Epidemiology, Biomarkers & Prevention. So put down that Playboy Magazine, crack open that new edition of the CEB&P that's waiting for you on the nightstand, and expand your horizons!

I myself am a prostate cancer patient who is 6-feet, 6-inches tall, so I conducted some thorough painstaking research on what my fellow head-bumping, not-off-the-rack clothes-wearing, "how's-the-weather-up-there?" inane question-answering tall guys around the world can do in response to this nasty report.

Here are my recommendations:

1. Tell those shrimpy British researchers to mind their own bloody business… and to get their teeth fixed. This seems like a reasonable reaction. When is the last time Britain even produce a tall guy? It's rainy and bleak in Britain, so people just don't grow. And, they have bad teeth.

2. Lie on the questionnaire. If the researchers are not able to find out about the correlation between your height and your prostate, then they can't report the bad news. When it comes time to be measured, you gotta slouch, squat, bend, or do whatever you have to do take keep yourself as short as possible.

3. Have your legs shortened. Hey, if height equals prostate cancer, then short equals prostate health. "Take a little off between the ankle and the knee, doc." 'Nuff said!

4. Read the news, get angry and kick a little guy's ass. Just beat the crap out of some short guy until his prostate aches. Sure, it does nothing to improve the health of your own prostate gland, but at least it shares the misery. And, you'll feel a lot better.

So, there you have it, all you tall guys who read the bad news about your prostate. You may have thought the entire situation was out of your control, but no! There is plenty you can do.

And, as for that collective grunt and moan you just heard, that was the NBA getting their first digital rectal exam.

26 minutes of joy

2008-09-17T07:50:00.000-07:00

When it comes to prostate health, it is time we give credit where credit is due.

Australian researchers who interviewed more than 1,000 men found that those who ejaculated regularly decreased their odds of developing prostate cancer. As they plunged themselves more deeply into the study, they discovered that sexual intercourse was not the cure-all one might expect. Because sexual intercourse carries with it the possibility of contracting sexually transmitted infections, men who regularly had it still developed problems.

In a stroke of genius, researchers then asked about men’s masturbatory habits and found that those who masturbated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 years old were least likely to develop prostate cancer. There is no indication as to whether researchers examined the connection between frequent masturbation and increased instances of hair growth on palms, blindness, mental illness or becoming president of the United States after serving as governor of Texas.

They passionately debated their masturbatory hypothesis. Back and forth, back and forth their theories were thrust. The discussions grew to a fevered pitch as each bespectacled, pocket protector-wearing researcher bit his lip in an effort to keep from crying out, “Yes, yes, oh God yes, that’s it!” Finally, in a culminating moment, they reached acclimation and slumped in their chairs, exhausted from their frenzied work, soaked in sweat. They smoked a cigarette. They decided masturbation is good.

So, pause for a moment gentlemen and let’s offer our thanks for our collective prostate health to those who deserve some applause, the poster printers of America. They brought you Raquel, Farrah, and Bo. They brought you improved prostate health and cumulatively over your lifetime about 26 minutes of joy.

A Rat's Ass about your Health

2008-09-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

According to the Los Angeles Times (Friday Sept. 12, 2008), health insurer Health Net “has agreed to offer new coverage – no questions asked – to 926 people whose policies it canceled after they got sick”. Later in the article, the Times reports, “The company (Health Net), however, did not admit any wrongdoing.”

Of course, Health Net made this big-hearted move after the State of California Department of Insurance threatened to sue them. In addition to reinstating the policies mentioned above, Health Net will pay $3.6 million in penalties and $14 million in reimbursements for medical charges they had previously refused to pay.

Do you get the impression that your health insurance company does not give a damn about your health? The Times reports a story about a southern California woman whose medical coverage was dropped by Health Net while she was undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer.

This situation is not unique to Health Net. It is a problem that is rampant throughout the health insurance industry. The message that we all should take away from this is that you must be very aggressive in fighting to receive the health insurance coverage that you are owed. Unfortunately, this is often very difficult for a cancer patient to do.

To place yourself in a strong position, be certain to tell the truth on your health insurance forms. Don’t hedge and don’t waffle. Tell them what you know, and keep copies of everything you submit. KEEP A COPY OF YOUR COMPLETE HEALTH INSURANCE PLAN! Make copies of letters you send them and make notes of phone conversations you have with them. Keep every piece of correspondence you receive from them.

In my book, “I Barf, Therefore I Am; A Sensitive Comedy Writer’s Relationship with Cancer”, I tell about the conflict I had with my health insurance company in taking care of my prostate cancer. They refused to pay for the latest robotic laparoscopic surgical procedure at a nearby cancer hospital. I fought and fought and won numerous concessions.

Your health insurance company cares about their own profit. And, their profit increases when they don’t have to shell out for your medical procedures. Fight for what is rightfully yours.