Monologue Writer Jerry Perisho
Thursday, October 30, 2008
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Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
I always feel better:
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Please Barney, stop the yammering! You are doing a lot of harm.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Here are a few ideas:
a. "I am sure the Zamboni will just mix it in with all the rest."
b. "Oh, look how it turns into a fine mist as it travels from the third tier down onto the people in the box seats."
c. “MORE BEER HERE!”
d. "Just a minute officer; I’ve already got 'Giants' spelled out, but I still need to add 'suck'!"
e. "OK, one last really big push and I think I can hit home plate."
f. "Someone messed with the Braille on the door; I think it said this was the men’s room."
g. "You know, Mr. Security Guard, you have beautiful eyes!"
i. “A bladder infection. No sir, I don’t have a bladder infection. Why do you ask?”
j. "Oh, I’m sorry. For a minute there I thought I was standing at my dorm room window."
k. "Officer, I am scared. There is a little black box where my penis is supposed to be."
l. “And, it is official, the new stadium has been christened.”
Do you have any suggestions as to what this sports fan might be saying?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Hey everybody, congratulate me. I am about to become very, very rich. These are the kinds of breaks that come your way when you’ve lived a good clean life like the one I have been living.
“What has happened?” you might ask. “What is the lucky break that is going to make me wealthy?”
Well, completely out of the blue this morning, I learned that I had a long-lost relative who past away, but who left a sizeable amount in a bank account and named me the only heir.
I can’t believe it; I am living a dream. I know it is the truth because it is a Nigerian barrister named Zain Johnson who sent me the letter, and attorneys don’t lie! Mr. Johnson says I have $12.5 million coming to me as a result of the death of Mike Perisho, a relative who had a bad heart after seeing his family members die in the big tsunami of 2004. According to Zain, Mike died in early 2005.
Man, I have it made, now!! I am going to do all the things I have wanted to do, but could never afford. Like see the World's Largest Stump in Kokomo, Indiana (how big is a guy's leg to have it leave the world's largest stump?).
Maybe you have a relative who died after the big tsunami, too. Just email Zain Johnson and find out. Here is his email address:
At all looks pretty darned legitimate to me. Everybody send Zane a note and tell him to look into your family background. Let’s bury Zain in business, what do you say? He tracked me down to share the good news with me so let’s clobber the man with potential business.
But, "shhhhhh"; don't tell Zain that I suggested you contact him. He asked me to keep my good fortune quiet, so the criminal element wouldn't get involved.
Good luck! Maybe I’ll be seeing you Nigeria as we pick up our money!
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Monday, October 13 is the first day of “National School Lunch Week”.
... To break it down a little more specifically, there will be;
Hurl ‘til you Hurt Monday
Vent, Vomit and Void Vednesday
Throw-up Thursday, and finally
Gush and Flush Friday
…Next week will be “Oh, I Love You Mom and I Love Your PB&J Sandwiches Week”
See all of today's monologue jokes prepared by long-time Monologue Writer Jerry Perisho at his new blog: Monologue Writer Jerry Perisho.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Gov. Palin's handlers recently gave her a Blackberry of her very own and showed her how to use the "To Do" functions. We snuck a peek at her Blackberry. Here is what we saw:
God help us all!
Friday, October 10, 2008
When those standard visits to the Museum of Modern Art begin to wear on you and you long to see something manly, something truly memorable, consider a trip to Husavik, Iceland. There, you can visit the Icelandic Phallological Museum and exam penises from nearly every species of animal that lives on Iceland. The one exception is the human being, but an elderly Icelandic man who is known throughout the country as a prolific lover has vowed to donate his love muscle for posterity upon his death.
When I spoke with Sigurdur Hjartarson, the museum’s founder, I first explained to him that someone had stolen the vowel between the “H” and the “j” in his last name. He chuckled and, because in Iceland they pronounce the letter "J" like it's a "Y", he continued to call me "Yerry", which just irritated the crap out of me. Because like, "Hey, if you're going to live in this world, you better learn to speak American"; that's what I always say!
The Cold Cock Collection
The Dingus Display
The Giggle Stick Gallery
The "In-In-In-Oh-God-Yes-Don’t-Stop-In-In-In" Institution
The Rumpleforeskin Repository
The Schvontz Salon
Each of these great names started as the simple seed of an idea. As they thrust deeper and deeper into Sig’s thought processes, they grew, until they finally expanded to nearly twice their normal size. The considerations became more passionate and he lost all sense of time and decency. Ultimately, the heated internal debate ended when “The Phallological Museum” exploded on to the scene and splashed across the pages on which the names were written. The museum director screamed with unbridled delight. Moments later, an exhausted, yet fulfilled, Sig slumped in his chair and had a cigarette.
Be sure to wash your hands when you leave the museum!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Thanks boys; you made me cry!
While I may have watched that YouTube clip about 500 times, strictly for journalistic purposes, it still makes my eyes water every time I see it. Why would she jam a fork tine through her nipple? (At this point, the author physically shuttered.)
And, speaking of making your eyes water, fashionistas have found a surprising new body part to attack in an apparent effort to make a fast buck before they are tarred-and-feathered and escorted out of town.
At some meeting of jewelry designers in New York or London or Milan or the Amsterdam Home of Pain and Infection, a Dutch jewelry designer has decided that the eyes of beautiful young women are the next organ that should be assaulted.
And so, this genius brings us… Eye Jewelry!
That’s right, it is a contact lens with some dangly shit hanging off of it on a fishing line. Here is the video on this crap. Have a tissue ready!
Yank... Plink... "OUCH! Hey, does anybody have the number for an eye doctor?"
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Today, we announce “Jerry’s Goofy-ass Book Club”. It seems especially appropriate since Jerry has written a goofy-ass book himself.
We are pleased to introduce the first in what will be a long series of books that we are recommending our millions of fans read. Watch for this distinctive logo in your favorite book store or second-hand shop, which indicates the publications that meet our very high standards.
Oprah always says that the books in her book club touched her deeply. Many of them made her cry and all of them made her think. Well, this is a book that just barely held our attention. It made us think, "Hey, I need to go get really drunk and then throw up on the front lawn; where is my gun?" Just like all of the great literary classics, “Robinson Crusoe”, “Little Women”, and “Tropic of Cancer”, this author started his book with a blank piece of paper and an idea. Those other books were easy to write; they had good stories. This one was a lot more work.
He didn’t let the work stop him. Just like Pulitzer Prize winning authors Herman Wouk, Ernest Hemingway, and Fred Bitzfeldt (actually Bitzfeldt never won a Pulitzer, but as an organ enthusiast he used to play a Wurlitzer), this author strived to dot all of his i’s and cross all of his t’s and to make sure the punctuation was correct.
The book is so pertinent in today’s difficult financial times. One has to ask himself, has the Wall Street Journal made me any money this year? How about Fortune magazine? No? Well, this book will show you how to make more than just a quick buck, and all you have to do is be willing to slip a lizard or 2 down your pants and walk across the international border. It's easy; you don't have to keester a thing; your body cavities will remain completely clear! And, you can find yourself a life-long career.
It is “The Complete Book of International Smuggling”.
Here is what the book seller says about this book:
“Designer jeans, parrots, bibles, weapons, drugs, watches. Each of these commonly smuggled items is highly desirable to smugglers and buyers alike. Smuggling smacks of adventure and adrenaline rushes. It also means easy money for the savvy tourist and a padded wallet for the international businessmen.”
“A defense investigator, M.C. Finn has seen smuggling through the eyes of the agents and the pirates. He's studied the casual traveler who makes his house payments selling fake goods to eager buyers. Now he tells their secrets.”
“Learn which goods sell well in which countries, how to avoid trouble whether buying or selling, what customs agents look for, surveillance equipment used by the law and effective counter-surveillance measures, how drugs are smuggled (usually unwisely), hard-to-obtain radio frequencies, the profile of a smuggler, and much more.”
And, it comes to you for only $17.50, plus a generous shipping and handling fee, we're sure. Get your copy today and we’ll have a few more smuggled in for your family and friends at Christmas.
Well, the study has shown that interactions like these are detrimental to the older person’s health. It makes them feel bad and die sooner, you bunch of numbnuts! In a New York Times article on the subject, a 68-year-old police psychologist from Northern California, Ellen Kirschman, says her method of informing these young whippersnappers that they’re out of line is to pepper her comments to them with profanities. "That makes them think, This is someone to be reckoned with," she said.
It is with this profound thought in mind that the Perisho Institute for the Siring and Study of Outrageous Feedback for Fogeys, known throughout the world as PISSOFF, publishes the following list of profanity-free, yet quite pointed, comments that you can share the next time some wet-behind-the-ears young jerkwad tries to make you field old. PISSOFF thanks Ms. Kirschman for her spunk and invites her to join the PISSOFF Board of Directors.
The first time someone starts to dick around with you:
"There are people in the world you can dick around with. I am not him!"
"Out of all the people I can’t stand, you’re 10 of them."
"Stuff a sock in it, you cow."
"How about a lot less talk and a lot more SHUT THE HELL UP?"
The second time they abuse you, you can pick up the pace:
"Is that your nose or did your momma park her double-wide on your face?"
"Do us all a favor; do a triple summersault and disappear up your own asshole."
"I’ve worn pants with a higher IQ than you."
"I’ve got a gift for you. Here’s a hint; it’s in my diaper and it’s not a toaster."
"Where’d you get those clothes? The toilet store?"
Finally, to really drive the point home:
"Go home and get your freaking shine box."
"You are nothing more than the result of a drunken back seat grope-fest and a broken condom."
"Why don’t you go back to scrubbing vomit off your holiday dress, you Christmas drunk?"
"Shouldn’t you be home beating off to Masters of the Universe reruns?"
"Why don’t you go back to your room at the Motel 6 and suck the wet out of the mattress pad?"
"You are so ugly they hired you at the zoo to keep the monkeys from masturbating."
"If you were an ice cream flavor, you’d be pralines and dick."
Remember, the Perisho Institute for the Siring and Study of Outrageous Feedback for Fogeys (PISSOFF) is here to serve the needs of the over 50 crowd. Send your donations to:
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
OJ Simpson’s attorney Yale Galanter’s offices are in Florida.
Galanter admits he was uncomfortable in the Nevada courtroom. He does not work well without the wafting scents of Dentu-grip, clothes just pulled out of moth balls, and gnarly feet in Birckenstocks.
Prosecution witnesses in the OJ Simpson trial in Las Vegas each had very sordid pasts.
They were so slimy, at the end of each day the bailiff had to burn the witness stand.
The list of prosecution witnesses included pimps, crooks and thugs.
They were the most blood-thirsty group of bottom-feeders in the courtroom, second only to OJ's defense attorneys.
The courtroom was filled with pimps, crooks and thugs.
…but enough about the attorneys.
Between the audio recording of the break-in and the testimony of the witnesses, Court TV’s broadcast was filled with four-letter obscenities.
What’s the obscenity Court TV feared hearing the most? “You’re cancelled!”
The prosecution played videotaped evidence of OJ and his friends entering the hotel lobby just prior to the crime being committed.
a. These were very poor quality recordings. The last time I saw video that scratchy I heard Paris Hilton answer her cell phone.
b. The quality of this video makes the “Blair Witch Project” look like an Academy Award winner for cinematography.
Judge Jackie Glass ran a very tight ship during the OJ Simpson trial in Vegas.
At one point, an attorney’s cell phone rang and she forced him to walk the plank at the at Treasure Island pirate’s show.
The jury reached their verdict in the case after deliberating for just 13 hours.
a. The defense team was disappointed. They hardly had time to shed their skins.
b. The jury finished their work so quickly that it is hard to envision them back at their jobs with the DMV.
Jurors said that Simpson’s 1995 murder case had nothing to do with their decision. In that trial, Simpson was accused of killing 2 people.
…Or, as they say in Vegas, “he doubled down”.
Jurors in the OJ Simpson trial had to confront a variety of very difficult questions.
Should I believe the testimony of the witnesses? Did OJ know about guns being brought into the hotel room? How do I find a publisher for the book I am almost finished writing?
OJ is being held in isolation in the Las Vegas jail “for his own safety”. Simpson’s attorney says isolation is difficult for OJ because he likes to interact with people.
…and then kill them.
Sentencing for OJ Simpson and his convicted co-conspirator CJ Stewart is set for Dec. 5.
Defense attorneys plan to use a little known Las Vegas plea called the “double or nothing” appeal.
OJ will be sentenced on December 5.
It is all part of his grand scheme to find his wife’s “real killer”. What better place to look for a murderer than in prison?
Monday, October 6, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Here are some ideas on what they might be thinking at this moment -
Dude: “I just love my new Sarah Palin frames. She rocks!”
Cat: “He killed me and had me stuffed 6 months ago.”
Dude: “Do I smell mouse on your breath again? Or, is that me?”
Dude: “Grandma’s just gonna love this family photo. I wish the porcupine and the sloth could have been here, but I had them killed.”
Cat: “I hate her; she’s the one who won’t let me sleep on her face and had me neutered.”
Dude: “Just one more day and grease will actually start dripping off my hair. I’m gonna use it as an alternative fuel.”
Cat: “I’m going to claw your eyes out tonight in your sleep and bat them around like chew toys.”
Dude: “Nice kitty, kitty. Good kitty, kitty. M-mmmmm.”
Cat: “Oh my God; you have an erection!”
Dude: "I think the Congressional bailout bill will solve today's financial crisis."
Cat: "I just got through taking a crap on your Star Wars comic book collection."
Dude: "Mmm, I smell bacon!"
Cat: "You are proof that man never really evolved."
Dude: "I am going to de-worm you with barbecue tongs."
Cat: "Is that a piercing on your lip or is it part of the GPS device installed by the Perv Police?"
Submit your own ideas on what might be going through their minds besides daylight ---
Friday, October 3, 2008
We interrupt our late night film, “Sarah Palin Shoots a Moose” for this breaking news report…
“This just in… a company called Garment Guard has invented a new device consisting of two activated-carbon adhesive strips that are designed to be placed in your underwear where they will absorb the noxious odors when you fart. The product is called Subtle Butt.”
1. “It is the perfect gift for your Wall Street broker just before he jumps.”
2. “I plan to carry them with me on my next plane flight and give them to the fat guys sitting on either side on me.”
3. “Alright! Polish up the Noble Peace Prize!”
4. “Excuse me, but do you have ‘Super Activated Carbon’ strips? Mine is not your average intestinal tract.”
Now, back to your regularly scheduled program, “HSN Features the OJ Knife Collection”, already in progress.
Comedian Emo Phillips on law enforcement -
“The highway cop said, ‘Walk a straight line.’ I said, ‘Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves.’
He said, ‘You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?’ I thought, ‘Ooooh, a paradox!’”
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Well, that experience introduces the male patient to a new world of sensitivity to all urological matters. So, when he sees something like the following, tears well up in his eyes. Oh, he’s not crying; no, they’re tears of sympathetic protection of his previously untouched urological parts. The book that makes nearly every man double over in anticipatory discomfort, “The Testicle Cookbook”:
Here, Serbian chef Ljubomir Erovic has written and published what he claims is the world’s first cookbook focusing on the preparation of male animal sex glands. Perisho note: There are bound to be more of these gems because the world cannot have too many books showing you how to sauté male gonads. Personally, the only time there are any balls in my kitchen is when my wife is out of town!
The book shows Chef Erovic preparing some of his favorite meals, like testicle pizza and battered testicles. Perisho note: “Battered testicles”? Is this guy nuts? If there is one thing in the world you do not want to batter and/or bruise, they’re testicles! No chef, I don’t care if they come from a field mouse and they are destined for consumption by hordes of hungry heathens, please do not batter them!
Probably without the least bit of prompting, because anyone interviewing this guy would be disgusted by the entire topic, Erovic volunteers, "The tastiest testicles in my opinion probably come from bulls, stallions or ostriches, although other people have their own favorites." Perisho note: This sick bastard is eating the testicles from ostriches. I can see it all now; while they have their poor tiny heads buried in the sand, he comes up behind the ostrich and “tug, snip, yank”, the eunuch-ized poor devil is left to find his place in the world as not only the world’s ugliest bird, but a sexless one at that. I wonder if this cretin has tried kangaroo or grey whale or bald eagle testicles.
Erovic, 45, says he is self-taught in the art of testicle cuisine, but his 20 years of "cooking with balls" make him a world authority in the field. Perisho note: Somewhere, there is probably a world authority on turning gnu dung into earrings too, but no one will be challenging that clown, either.
Perisho note: Apparently Erovic’s last book, “How To Field Dress and Roast Kittens” didn’t sell well in any market, except in certain parts of Asia.
Erovic also organizes the World Testicle Cooking Championship, held annually in Serbia since 2004. Perisho note: And just think about it girls. What attractive young female wouldn’t want to participate in the swimsuit competition and ultimately be named Miss Testicle Queen - 2008?
When not cooking the most sensitive part of a male’s being, Erovic runs a company involved in the maintenance of medical and dental equipment. Perisho note: So, he’s in the medical and dental business, huh? Even when he isn’t frying your balls, he’s still got you by them.
Final Perisho note: I personally want to thank Chef Erovic for his new book. By comparison, my book “I Barf, Therefore I Am”, doesn’t sound nearly so bad!
It's hell on earth!
Comedian Jim Carrey has an interesting take on what “Hell” might be like. Carrey says, “Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.”
That got me to thinking, what is “hell on earth”?
Here are some ideas:
Hell is getting kicked in the balls on the basketball court with 500 people in the stands watching.
Hell is having to sit on a plane next to the really fat guy who is exhaling his partially-chewed dinner in your face.
Hell is having to watch OJ Simpson get away with it, AGAIN.
Hell is having to watch Paris Hilton do anything… well, almost anything.
Hell is having to hear high-volume ringtones of singers telling Argentina not to cry for them.
Hell is having to wake up in the hospital with the guy in the bed next to you telling about his penile implant surgery.
Hell is President Hillary Clinton.
Hell is President Sarah Palin.
Hell is President George W. Bush.
Hell is having to sit through fifth grade sex education class being taught by the hottest teacher a boy’s hormones could ever envision naked.
Hell is having to wipe your mouth on a restaurant napkin that is already caked with dried pasta sauce.
Give me some of your ideas of hell on earth.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
“A 61-year-old Tennessee man is suing doctors who amputated his penis without his consent.”
Alright, you pick the punch line…
1. His attorney says the amputation may be against the law; a violation of the penile code.
2. He is really angry. Now he can’t count to eleven without taking off his shoes.
3. Do you know what Southerners call a man with no genitals? “Yankee!”
4. When he’s got whiskey in one hand and a corncob pipe in the other, now how’s he gonna drive the tractor?
Now, we’ll send you back to our regularly scheduled program, “The 1987 Tennessee State Cow Pie Throwing Championships,” already in progress…
“This just in; an 18-year-old Stuart, Florida man told police Tuesday that he was stopped and robbed by four topless blond women while on his way to work.”
Pick your favorite punch line:
1. “The man says he wants his watch and his wallet back, but the girls can keep his virginity.”
2. “Four topless blond women in Florida? He saw them make their escape on their motorized wheelchairs and roll back in to the retirement home.”
3. “He called the cops to complain? That had to be 9 of the biggest boobs in all of Florida.”
4. “When the cops asked if the women carried weapons, he said, “Four pairs of 45’s!”
Now, back to your regularly scheduled program, “The Girls Next Door Go To Florida”, already in progress.
“Good afternoon, sports fans, and welcome to September madness. We’ve got some stiff competition this financial ‘weeding-out’ season as the light-weight risk takers fall by the wayside and the strong, well capitalized organizations gobble them up.
This season, we are happy to include teams from across the pond, as some of the big European banks start to topple. The Asians haven’t been brought into the fray this time, but you can bet they will be included in the next round of flushing out of the weak.
Of course, the ultimate loser this season, as he is in every season, is the US taxpayer. With Congress ignoring the fact that fat cats got very, very rich while writing bad mortgage loans, it is the taxpayer who will be throttled with the huge bail out tax bill; some estimating that it could total $700 billion. That’s a lot of peanuts and beer, huh sports fans? Whoa, Nelly!
This single elimination tournament may not be over until 2009, but we’ll be there to bring you all the action. Hang on to your hats, sports fans, and your wallets! It is going to be a long and tumultuous tournament.”